Lessons from a Semi-Pro Philosopher: Navigating Awkward Moments the Michael Dean Way

To begin this work I would like to note that my research into navigating awkward moments has been made possible by my recent ascension to semi-pro philosopher status. Many said that such an honor was unattainable for a country boy from the eastern shore of Maryland. Surely, the dazzling lights and late nights of the world of semi-pro philosophy would lead me astray before I could produce any substantive or novel work. Regardless of such predictions, I now stand before you as a semi-pro. True, I am no longer eligible to compete in the Olympics and my current USA ranking is a modest 1,008th. However, I am training rigorously, philosophizing daily, and I feel confident that I will break into the top 1,000 within the next year (Matt Lexow at # 1,007, look out!).

In the meantime, I am now earning cash for doing philosophy which, in turn, has allowed me to expand my research into numerous areas. Having nearly completed my work on God's existence, time and space, and the inherent dignity of human life, I have turned to a question of extreme import: How can I properly navigate awkward moments? Below are the results of my research thus far.

The Old Stink-Eye

The Scene: You are sitting in a local coffee shop enjoying a pastry while reading an interesting book. On occasion you glance up to take stock of your surroundings. But every time you look up and glance around the room, you make eye contact with the same person. Having occurred numerous times you now ask yourself, "Is he looking at me or is this just a coincidence?"

The Problem: It goes without saying that repeated eye contact can be quite awkward and you are right to be concerned. Depending on the intensity of the awkwardness you might feel pressure to leave the coffee shop. However, this risks losing face and backing down from a potential "stare contest." Furthermore, perhaps this is just a coincidence and (although extremely unlikely) you might be overreacting.

The Solution: No doubt there are a number of questions running through your mind. But remember, the first rule of navigating awkward moments is "don't panic!" Rather, be creative and channel your inner MacGyver. By using common items around the room you can avoid eye contact with this individual. For example, that salt shaker over there, look at it. Additionally, can you read that poster from where you are sitting? Go ahead and try. By utilizing simple items in the room you can avoid a relapse of awkward eye contact. However, most importantly, don't kid yourself about the situation at hand. You must remember that whoever leaves the coffee shop first loses. Therefore, continue staring at random objects in the room until he leaves.

The Joke Gone Wrong

The Scene: You are hanging with some friends at a local pub. A Styx cover band is jamming on an extended version of "Come Sail Away," the beer is flowing like wine, and everyone is having a great time. "But," you think to yourself, "a solid joke would really put this night over the top."

The Problem: Your intuition in regard to telling a joke is dead on and if carried out effectively laughter will ensue. However, you can't recall any good jokes. Nonetheless, you stubbornly proceed to tell a joke that does not gain the enthusiasm of the crowd, but rather, introduces a clear symptom of the awkward: silence.

The Solution: There is no doubt about it, this situation is awkward. Even worse, it is your attempt at a joke, so pregnant with awkwardness, that has birthed the uncomfortable air now settling over the evening. However, there are viable solutions at hand. First, get your bearings. How awkward was this joke? Knowing the answer to this question can be the difference between salvaging the evening or plunging further into the depths of the awkward. Second, act quickly. Launch a preemptive strike against the growing awkwardness. Say something like "See, Bob, I told you I shouldn't have told that joke!," "How about this band? They really sound like Styx!," or "I am doing research on awkwardness and need to encounter it as much as possible." These responses reduce the focus on your lack of joke-telling ability and are your only hope in getting such an evening back on track.

The Ex-Factor

The Scene: You and a book are enjoying a quiet dinner at a local restaurant. In walks your ex with her new boyfriend. Taken aback, you freeze mid-chew and ask yourself, "What should I do?"

The Problem: The problem here is obvious. She has moved on, you have not, and, to make matters worse, she is bringing her new man to what was once your special place (Applebee's). Tears well up as you recall the first order of "Crazy Fun Wings" that the two of you shared. However, although the memories are painful enough, the real issue here is the awkwardness that has arrived along with the new couple.
The Solution: This situation is ripe with the stench of the awkward and it will take decisive action on your part to clear the room. Quickly pull out your cell phone and begin talking loudly to a fictional girl of your choice. Pepper your dialogue with phrases such as "I will be home soon," "I love you more!," and "Yes, honey, I took care of the wedding invitations today." These phrases tell your ex that you have not been home crying in the shower for the last week, but rather, have found true happiness in another woman's embrace. If no cell phone is available you will have to retreat to fight another day. I suggest the old "droppin' the fork" trick. After "accidentally" knocking your fork across the room and onto the floor near the door, stay low, retrieve the fork, and exit the restaurant.
The No-Name
The Scene: You and a friend are exiting a movie when you notice an acquaintance heading directly for you. The acquaintance notices you, waves, and enthusiastically calls out your name numerous times while walking toward you.
The Problem: Simply put: you have no idea what this person's name is. However, you do know the name of the feeling beginning to permeate the scene, "awkward." You need to find a way out of this pickle and fast!
The Solution: Stay calm. As with every awkward moment, there is a solution. First, it is clear that this acquaintance knows you and expects that you know him very well. Buy time and maintain this illusion as long as possible. Say things like "Hey you!," "What's happening buddy?!," and "My brother!" These phrases denote a familiarity and kinship that will reassure this acquaintance that the mysterious bond you both share has not been forgotten. However, this is a temporary remedy, not a solution. Research has shown that the effectiveness of these phrases diminish in direct proportion to the amount of time that has passed without referring to this stranger-like acquaintance by his first name. Therefore, you must once again use the resources at hand. Introduce your friend (the movie friend) to your acquaintance as follows: "Hey broseph! This is my friend Cornelius." Your unknown friend will be obliged to supply his name to Cornelius and, due to your close proximity, you will also receive this information. Now, "seal the deal." Upon parting ways clearly state your acquaintance's name, thus reassuring Jebediah that you knew his name all along.

Did I fail to cover an awkward moment that you have encountered? Has your research unearthed viable responses to the awkward? If so, feel free to post a comment.