Lessons from a Semi-Pro Philosopher: Courting in the 21st Century

"You want some Burt with that?"

-Pick-up line used by Burt Reynolds on Sally Field while waiting in the buffet line on the set of "Smokey and the Bandit."

P.S. Worked to perfection

Any courting process should begin with a simple, yet effective brainstorming session:

Simply ask WWBD? (What Would Burt Do?) Reflect and wait for an idea to present itself. Perhaps this exercise will lead you to pick up the phone and make that call, write that letter so dutifully composed in your mind, or pose nude on that bearskin rug. Either way, we must crawl before we can walk. So, always follow the Michael Dean motto: "When in doubt, look to the Burt."

But I can hear many of my readers now: "Thanks Michael Dean! The WWBD? Method rocks! But what about those of us who need a bit more help?" My answer is, "Brother, I hear you loud and clear." Although valuable, the WWBD? Method is merely the beginning of the courting process and some will need more information on courting the ladiez. I am here to tell you that I too have felt the fiery scorn of a woman. Fortunately, I have collected research during my oft-doomed courting expeditions (or, as I refer to them, "courtastrophes"). Throughout many (,many) failures I have become an expert on what not to do during the courting process. Now, after much reflection, I am ready to present my new and improved recommendations for courting in the 21st century.

Step #1: And so we dance...
Research shows that perhaps the most essential aspect of the courting process is meeting a woman to court. Therefore, this must be your top priority. So, you see a beauty from across the room. How do you get this moving? The first step is crucial and cannot be taken back. Approach at a medium pace, take a deep breath and choose your words carefully. I suggest something like the following:

Michael Dean: "How heavy is a polar bear?"

Confused Woman: "I know not the answer to such a query."

Michael Dean: :"It's heavy enough to break the ice. Name's Michael Dean, how the heck are ya?"

If executed properly such a line as this (from the Michael Dean personal arsenal) should adequately begin the courting process.


Step #2: The First Date
So, you have used your choicest polar bear line and she actually did not run away from you--so far, so good. But now what? First, an important side note. Assuming you got the digits, avoid voice mail saturation. I've been there friend, and, yes, it seems like a good idea to make that 20th call to ensure that she knows you really like her. However, I suggest setting the call-ceiling at 15 per day, right in the meaty part of the curve.

Now, it's time for a little somethin' I like to call "the first date." This is the date that will show her what type of guy you really are. Spare no expense on your lady. Yes, McDonalds would be cheaper, but Chic-fil-a shows her that you aren't afraid to throw some George Washingtons around. Remember that your appearance is important--dress up! Pull the tuxedo out of the closet and show her that this date is important to you. Also, don't forget to enhance your musk to nostril penetrating heights by means of generous splashes of "Brut" and "Old Spice" (at the same time). Finally, as the date progresses, take a moment to muse on a social issue of importance. I suggest stoically staring off into the distance from time to time. If asked why, respond that although the meal is tasty and the evening has been beautiful, it is hard to feel good about anything these days what with the amount of squirrels that die weekly in this country. When will it stop!

Step #3: The Mix Tape
The first date is in the books, she is still talking to you (hell yeah!), and the second date looms. Now, the priority is "sealing the deal." Enter the mix tape. Rule #1 of mix taping is "respect the mix tape and the mix tape will respect you." To be sure, proper mix tape procedure is a hotly contested issue in courting think-tanks and many have abandoned the practice altogether. However, I am here to tell you that the mix tape should be viewed as an auditory "wing man." But, remember, there are many styles of mix tapes, each crafted to convey a particular message. Therefore, you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Do you want her to recognize your sensitive side or the fact that you are just a fun lovin' chap who likes to feel the wind blow through his hair? Are you a tortured soul yearning to be set free or a corn-fed, all-american guy she can bring home to ma and pa? Either way, the sample mix tape below should cover all of your bases. It is a powerful hybrid formed from my personal mix tape collection:

Title of the Mix Tape: "Lovin' Mix 2008"

The Starter---Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." This tells her, "I am sensitive enough to have purchased and listened to "Total Eclipse of the Heart." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vw5Vcnjv5Bo

Song #2---Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstad's "I don't know much..." This tells her, "No, seriously, I'm freakin' sensitive."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i43fSjbEmA8

Song #3--Any Kenny G you can get your hands on. This tells her "Hey, you, I like to get funky!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNX3JVFHAgo

Song #4---Hall and Oates' "Kiss On My List." This tells her that her kiss is on your list. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WSy40RBcF4&feature=related

Song #5---Lionel Richie's "Hello." I'm not sure what this tells her but I wanted to include the video. Its power is a mystery to me, much like God and pens that I have dropped only to never be found again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74

Song #6---Extreme's "More Than Words." There has been a lot of excitement packed in this mix tape. This song backs it off a bit and says, "How has the mix tape been treating you? Good, no? I am so...how do you say...ahh yes...sensitive!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt7L4X4li_k

The Closer---Starship's "Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now." This song makes a strong statement and, to be honest, I hesitated to add it to the mix tape. However, without great risk there can be no great reward.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PP1HEFlkdY

* Advisory Note: After delivering "Lovin' Mix 2008," step back, and allow for a mix tape marination period (minimum of 1 week) before contacting her again. Remember, this is a powerful tape with as many flavors and nuances as a fine wine. Give your lady friend time to reflect and enjoy.

Step #4: Making the Move/Tonight We Hold Hands
Now, it's time for this courting process to take the next step: holding hands. I recognize that many of my opponents will say that this move is being made too soon. Perhaps they are right. But it is clear that some serious hand holding has been on both of your minds. Why beat around the bush? Yes, the first time holding hands can be stressful. Will my grip be too firm? Will she be turned off by the scent of my "country blueberry" hand lotion? These are all fair questions, but don't let them keep you from making your move. Perhaps the real issue here is your fear of commitment and how hand holding might force you to open up to an other (Note: Michael Dean just got real on you).

But how to start? First, set the mood. Ideally you will be carrying a copy of "Lovin' Mix 2008" (at all times) for just such an occasion. If not (shame on you), any Boyz II Men, Luther Vandross, or Journey will do. If none of these musical selections are available, abort and live to hold hands another day. But, assuming you are prepared, your next step is to open up some hand holdin' dialogue. Discuss your expectations, and, if relevant, past hand holding encounters. Tell her what holding hands means to you--be honest! As for the exact right moment to make the move, only you (or Burt Reynolds) can answer that question. I suggest taking comfort in the classic adage of the ancients: "you don't choose the moment to hold hands, the moment to hold hands chooses you."


Good luck my friends! Happy courting!

Lessons from a Semi-Pro Philosopher: Navigating Awkward Moments the Michael Dean Way

To begin this work I would like to note that my research into navigating awkward moments has been made possible by my recent ascension to semi-pro philosopher status. Many said that such an honor was unattainable for a country boy from the eastern shore of Maryland. Surely, the dazzling lights and late nights of the world of semi-pro philosophy would lead me astray before I could produce any substantive or novel work. Regardless of such predictions, I now stand before you as a semi-pro. True, I am no longer eligible to compete in the Olympics and my current USA ranking is a modest 1,008th. However, I am training rigorously, philosophizing daily, and I feel confident that I will break into the top 1,000 within the next year (Matt Lexow at # 1,007, look out!).

In the meantime, I am now earning cash for doing philosophy which, in turn, has allowed me to expand my research into numerous areas. Having nearly completed my work on God's existence, time and space, and the inherent dignity of human life, I have turned to a question of extreme import: How can I properly navigate awkward moments? Below are the results of my research thus far.

The Old Stink-Eye

The Scene: You are sitting in a local coffee shop enjoying a pastry while reading an interesting book. On occasion you glance up to take stock of your surroundings. But every time you look up and glance around the room, you make eye contact with the same person. Having occurred numerous times you now ask yourself, "Is he looking at me or is this just a coincidence?"

The Problem: It goes without saying that repeated eye contact can be quite awkward and you are right to be concerned. Depending on the intensity of the awkwardness you might feel pressure to leave the coffee shop. However, this risks losing face and backing down from a potential "stare contest." Furthermore, perhaps this is just a coincidence and (although extremely unlikely) you might be overreacting.

The Solution: No doubt there are a number of questions running through your mind. But remember, the first rule of navigating awkward moments is "don't panic!" Rather, be creative and channel your inner MacGyver. By using common items around the room you can avoid eye contact with this individual. For example, that salt shaker over there, look at it. Additionally, can you read that poster from where you are sitting? Go ahead and try. By utilizing simple items in the room you can avoid a relapse of awkward eye contact. However, most importantly, don't kid yourself about the situation at hand. You must remember that whoever leaves the coffee shop first loses. Therefore, continue staring at random objects in the room until he leaves.

The Joke Gone Wrong

The Scene: You are hanging with some friends at a local pub. A Styx cover band is jamming on an extended version of "Come Sail Away," the beer is flowing like wine, and everyone is having a great time. "But," you think to yourself, "a solid joke would really put this night over the top."

The Problem: Your intuition in regard to telling a joke is dead on and if carried out effectively laughter will ensue. However, you can't recall any good jokes. Nonetheless, you stubbornly proceed to tell a joke that does not gain the enthusiasm of the crowd, but rather, introduces a clear symptom of the awkward: silence.

The Solution: There is no doubt about it, this situation is awkward. Even worse, it is your attempt at a joke, so pregnant with awkwardness, that has birthed the uncomfortable air now settling over the evening. However, there are viable solutions at hand. First, get your bearings. How awkward was this joke? Knowing the answer to this question can be the difference between salvaging the evening or plunging further into the depths of the awkward. Second, act quickly. Launch a preemptive strike against the growing awkwardness. Say something like "See, Bob, I told you I shouldn't have told that joke!," "How about this band? They really sound like Styx!," or "I am doing research on awkwardness and need to encounter it as much as possible." These responses reduce the focus on your lack of joke-telling ability and are your only hope in getting such an evening back on track.

The Ex-Factor

The Scene: You and a book are enjoying a quiet dinner at a local restaurant. In walks your ex with her new boyfriend. Taken aback, you freeze mid-chew and ask yourself, "What should I do?"

The Problem: The problem here is obvious. She has moved on, you have not, and, to make matters worse, she is bringing her new man to what was once your special place (Applebee's). Tears well up as you recall the first order of "Crazy Fun Wings" that the two of you shared. However, although the memories are painful enough, the real issue here is the awkwardness that has arrived along with the new couple.
The Solution: This situation is ripe with the stench of the awkward and it will take decisive action on your part to clear the room. Quickly pull out your cell phone and begin talking loudly to a fictional girl of your choice. Pepper your dialogue with phrases such as "I will be home soon," "I love you more!," and "Yes, honey, I took care of the wedding invitations today." These phrases tell your ex that you have not been home crying in the shower for the last week, but rather, have found true happiness in another woman's embrace. If no cell phone is available you will have to retreat to fight another day. I suggest the old "droppin' the fork" trick. After "accidentally" knocking your fork across the room and onto the floor near the door, stay low, retrieve the fork, and exit the restaurant.
The No-Name
The Scene: You and a friend are exiting a movie when you notice an acquaintance heading directly for you. The acquaintance notices you, waves, and enthusiastically calls out your name numerous times while walking toward you.
The Problem: Simply put: you have no idea what this person's name is. However, you do know the name of the feeling beginning to permeate the scene, "awkward." You need to find a way out of this pickle and fast!
The Solution: Stay calm. As with every awkward moment, there is a solution. First, it is clear that this acquaintance knows you and expects that you know him very well. Buy time and maintain this illusion as long as possible. Say things like "Hey you!," "What's happening buddy?!," and "My brother!" These phrases denote a familiarity and kinship that will reassure this acquaintance that the mysterious bond you both share has not been forgotten. However, this is a temporary remedy, not a solution. Research has shown that the effectiveness of these phrases diminish in direct proportion to the amount of time that has passed without referring to this stranger-like acquaintance by his first name. Therefore, you must once again use the resources at hand. Introduce your friend (the movie friend) to your acquaintance as follows: "Hey broseph! This is my friend Cornelius." Your unknown friend will be obliged to supply his name to Cornelius and, due to your close proximity, you will also receive this information. Now, "seal the deal." Upon parting ways clearly state your acquaintance's name, thus reassuring Jebediah that you knew his name all along.

Did I fail to cover an awkward moment that you have encountered? Has your research unearthed viable responses to the awkward? If so, feel free to post a comment.