"You want some Burt with that?"
-Pick-up line used by Burt Reynolds on Sally Field while waiting in the buffet line on the set of "Smokey and the Bandit."
P.S. Worked to perfection
Any courting process should begin with a simple, yet effective brainstorming session:
Simply ask WWBD? (What Would Burt Do?) Reflect and wait for an idea to present itself. Perhaps this exercise will lead you to pick up the phone and make that call, write that letter so dutifully composed in your mind, or pose nude on that bearskin rug. Either way, we must crawl before we can walk. So, always follow the Michael Dean motto: "When in doubt, look to the Burt."
But I can hear many of my readers now: "Thanks Michael Dean! The WWBD? Method rocks! But what about those of us who need a bit more help?" My answer is, "Brother, I hear you loud and clear." Although valuable, the WWBD? Method is merely the beginning of the courting process and some will need more information on courting the ladiez. I am here to tell you that I too have felt the fiery scorn of a woman. Fortunately, I have collected research during my oft-doomed courting expeditions (or, as I refer to them, "courtastrophes"). Throughout many (,many) failures I have become an expert on what not to do during the courting process. Now, after much reflection, I am ready to present my new and improved recommendations for courting in the 21st century.
Step #1: And so we dance...
Research shows that perhaps the most essential aspect of the courting process is meeting a woman to court. Therefore, this must be your top priority. So, you see a beauty from across the room. How do you get this moving? The first step is crucial and cannot be taken back. Approach at a medium pace, take a deep breath and choose your words carefully. I suggest something like the following:
Michael Dean: "How heavy is a polar bear?"
Confused Woman: "I know not the answer to such a query."
Michael Dean: :"It's heavy enough to break the ice. Name's Michael Dean, how the heck are ya?"
If executed properly such a line as this (from the Michael Dean personal arsenal) should adequately begin the courting process.
Step #2: The First Date
So, you have used your choicest polar bear line and she actually did not run away from you--so far, so good. But now what? First, an important side note. Assuming you got the digits, avoid voice mail saturation. I've been there friend, and, yes, it seems like a good idea to make that 20th call to ensure that she knows you really like her. However, I suggest setting the call-ceiling at 15 per day, right in the meaty part of the curve.
Now, it's time for a little somethin' I like to call "the first date." This is the date that will show her what type of guy you really are. Spare no expense on your lady. Yes, McDonalds would be cheaper, but Chic-fil-a shows her that you aren't afraid to throw some George Washingtons around. Remember that your appearance is important--dress up! Pull the tuxedo out of the closet and show her that this date is important to you. Also, don't forget to enhance your musk to nostril penetrating heights by means of generous splashes of "Brut" and "Old Spice" (at the same time). Finally, as the date progresses, take a moment to muse on a social issue of importance. I suggest stoically staring off into the distance from time to time. If asked why, respond that although the meal is tasty and the evening has been beautiful, it is hard to feel good about anything these days what with the amount of squirrels that die weekly in this country. When will it stop!
Step #3: The Mix Tape
The first date is in the books, she is still talking to you (hell yeah!), and the second date looms. Now, the priority is "sealing the deal." Enter the mix tape. Rule #1 of mix taping is "respect the mix tape and the mix tape will respect you." To be sure, proper mix tape procedure is a hotly contested issue in courting think-tanks and many have abandoned the practice altogether. However, I am here to tell you that the mix tape should be viewed as an auditory "wing man." But, remember, there are many styles of mix tapes, each crafted to convey a particular message. Therefore, you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Do you want her to recognize your sensitive side or the fact that you are just a fun lovin' chap who likes to feel the wind blow through his hair? Are you a tortured soul yearning to be set free or a corn-fed, all-american guy she can bring home to ma and pa? Either way, the sample mix tape below should cover all of your bases. It is a powerful hybrid formed from my personal mix tape collection:
Title of the Mix Tape: "Lovin' Mix 2008"
The Starter---Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." This tells her, "I am sensitive enough to have purchased and listened to "Total Eclipse of the Heart." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vw5Vcnjv5Bo
Song #2---Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstad's "I don't know much..." This tells her, "No, seriously, I'm freakin' sensitive."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i43fSjbEmA8
Song #3--Any Kenny G you can get your hands on. This tells her "Hey, you, I like to get funky!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNX3JVFHAgo
Song #4---Hall and Oates' "Kiss On My List." This tells her that her kiss is on your list. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WSy40RBcF4&feature=related
Song #5---Lionel Richie's "Hello." I'm not sure what this tells her but I wanted to include the video. Its power is a mystery to me, much like God and pens that I have dropped only to never be found again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDZcqBgCS74
Song #6---Extreme's "More Than Words." There has been a lot of excitement packed in this mix tape. This song backs it off a bit and says, "How has the mix tape been treating you? Good, no? I am so...how do you say...ahh yes...sensitive!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt7L4X4li_k
The Closer---Starship's "Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now." This song makes a strong statement and, to be honest, I hesitated to add it to the mix tape. However, without great risk there can be no great reward.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PP1HEFlkdY
* Advisory Note: After delivering "Lovin' Mix 2008," step back, and allow for a mix tape marination period (minimum of 1 week) before contacting her again. Remember, this is a powerful tape with as many flavors and nuances as a fine wine. Give your lady friend time to reflect and enjoy.
Step #4: Making the Move/Tonight We Hold Hands
Now, it's time for this courting process to take the next step: holding hands. I recognize that many of my opponents will say that this move is being made too soon. Perhaps they are right. But it is clear that some serious hand holding has been on both of your minds. Why beat around the bush? Yes, the first time holding hands can be stressful. Will my grip be too firm? Will she be turned off by the scent of my "country blueberry" hand lotion? These are all fair questions, but don't let them keep you from making your move. Perhaps the real issue here is your fear of commitment and how hand holding might force you to open up to an other (Note: Michael Dean just got real on you).
But how to start? First, set the mood. Ideally you will be carrying a copy of "Lovin' Mix 2008" (at all times) for just such an occasion. If not (shame on you), any Boyz II Men, Luther Vandross, or Journey will do. If none of these musical selections are available, abort and live to hold hands another day. But, assuming you are prepared, your next step is to open up some hand holdin' dialogue. Discuss your expectations, and, if relevant, past hand holding encounters. Tell her what holding hands means to you--be honest! As for the exact right moment to make the move, only you (or Burt Reynolds) can answer that question. I suggest taking comfort in the classic adage of the ancients: "you don't choose the moment to hold hands, the moment to hold hands chooses you."
Good luck my friends! Happy courting!
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